Well, we’ve come this far, we might as well watch this asshole get married.
But maybe I’m being too harsh on the B-man. He’s actually stepped it up in the past few episodes, and since the birth of his daughter, he really seems to be a changed man. That’s a relative concept in this case, but it works to his advantage. I thought he would have high tailed it to Tijuana by now, but he’s stuck around and he’s totally wussing out on his child. Good for him. Just try not to knock her in the soft spot with your chain, Scotty.
Speaking of Baio and his daughter, after a weakly edited scene of Scott at his wedding where we’re supposed to believe that he might not say "yes" on the altar, we’re flashed back to almost a week earlier, where he’s holding Bailey at home and talking to her about how he’s still a bit scared of getting married. She’s not much help, but it adds to the dramatic effect. He tells her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with Renee, but that the actual commitment still worries him. Eh, that makes sense. Scott mentions that he still has to plan the wedding, then makes some weak joke about how he hasn’t been in charge of anything since that show, where you know, he was all In Charge, Charles style. Him and Bible Man, it was crazy times.
Anyway, he’s stressed, so he decides to cram a cigar in his mouth and go suck at golf with his friends, who also suck. At golf, life, dressing themselves; you name it, they’ve got it all down to a suck-filled science. Especially Johnny V, who is bugging Scott about his earlier promise to hook him up with a girl to take to the wedding. Lucky lady. As far as the wedding plans go, Scott says he’s got the preacher lined up, but that’s about it. After almost being busted by one of the club staff for doing cookies in their golf cart (bro!), Scott and the boys decide to shuffle off to Pier One to try and plan a wedding. Let’s get nutty.
For some reason, they dive right into crafting the ultimate centerpiece, or at least Steve and Johnny do. They come up with what appears to be a terrible monstrosity, but the guys agree that if they chop down the size a little bit, it’ll totally work (it won’t). Herv starts pressing Baio about his sex life since Renee jettisoned the bundle o’ joy, and the new and improved Scott is hesitant to talk about it. What the hey? Then we get to hear a bit too much about Renee’s c-section and Baio’s aversion to hotel sheets, which was a bit of shocker.
At his Daddies To Be Class, Scott and the other dudes who have now had their kids bring them in to show them off and drop some knowledge on the one guy who hasn’t had his yet. Scott explains his theory of how the nine months while the baby is in the womb is really just time for the guy to get his shit together, and that now he feels confident in his skills. He encourages the guy who is soon to become a father to "get on the ride" or something cornball like that. He is smug with self-satisfaction, and it is objectionable.
It’s T-minus three days until the wedding, and Scott decides that he and Renee should go talk with a Catholic priest, even though they, nor their ceremony, are based in Catholicism. Scott seems to think he was Catholic growing up, so it’s cool. The priest asks them a series of questions to see if they’re on the same page as far as what they’re hoping for in the marriage. They do well on all of the first questions, and you know Bob Eubanks is watching somewhere, smiling knowingly. It all comes to a screeching halt when the issue of friends is brought to the table. Renee starts ranting about Johnny V, while the Priest smiles and feigns interest. Outside, after the meeting, Scott tells Renee that he has promised the V Man a date for the wedding. Right before he goes into beg mode, she reticently agrees and begins racking her brain for a candidate, mentioning that it might involve and exchange of money. Johnny V is so getting laid.
They’ve finally made it to the evening of the rehearsal dinner, and Scott is conspicuously absent. Renee gets him on the horn, and he’s driving around in his sweet pickup, running errands. In what is clearly a fake reenactment of a conversation that probably never took place, we discover that Scott has yet to secure the services of a caterer. He shows up at the rehearsal dinner, some awkward toasts are made, and Renee gets one of her friends to agree to go with the Vster to the wedding, strictly on a it’s-your-wedding-day-and-I-can’t-really-say-no basis. Good enough.
After the dinner, Scott, with Bro Patrol in tow, hits the ceremony location for some last minute scurrying to set up and probable panicking. Thankfully, big gay Scott the likable wedding planner guy reappears and offers to save everyone from what would certainly have been the worst wedding in washed up TV star land since Gary Coleman couldn’t see over the counter at his local courthouse, or you know, something absurd like that. His first order of business: laughing at V and Cooch’s centerpiece and discreetly dropping it in a trash can. Sweet move. He assures the quartet of chumpage that he’s got shit on lock. His natty attire is proof positive that he walks the walk.
The wedding day is finally upon us, and it’s everything a lit-for-TV wedding should be: Hardly any people in attendance, a grand entrance for the bride who is inexplicably wearing white and red, and plenty of shots of Scott trying to work up some tears. Bonus Baio: Scott’s brother shows up, and he’s like Scott with out the puss-pulling abilities. Words can do his goatee and huge head of hair no justice. Pure Baio. The ceremony goes off without a hitch, although the moments before Scott drops the "yes" are once again played up for dramatic effect. He even blurts it out with some conviction. They kill me a little bit by playing Simple Minds’ "Alive and Kicking," and fucking it up with huge edits that tailor to the on-screen action. It also reminds me that the soundtrack to this show has been surprisingly good, really digging deep into the dustbins of mid-80’s synth rock. Seriously.
The reception seems to be at the same venue as the wedding, and there are more cliched toasts to be made. As Scott is kicking back, having loosened his tie and breathed a sigh of relief, he’s approached by Kalyn, Renee’s daughter. Here it comes. After reiterating to Scott that she thinks he is like, a super cool stepdad, she explains that the ticket she purchased to LA to attend the wedding was a one way fare. She’s moving in. And she pretty much leaves it at that, running off before he can even say a word. Scott works up his best Holy Fucking Shit face, and ponders what a life will be like with all these ladies, cooped up in that huge mansion of his.
And then, wait for it...he gives us a hint: maybe Scott Baio will be 47...and Married With Children.
It’s the gift that you never asked for that keeps on giving whether you want it to or not.
This is our new cat, Nimbostratus. 
